Anchors Away

September 1 2085

Yee-haa! High fives! Stratospheric fives actually! I’ve escaped the shores of Aotearoa and, let me tell you, oh assembled multitudes who are hanging out for every dinky little word I write (okay, I know – but dreams are free) . . . Anyway, let me tell you, it wasn’t easy to get myself on board this boat bound for the mysterious kingdom of Taris. A lot harder than getting myself educated, which I have now officially done (tick off school, tick off uni, tick off the job lined up for when I get back). So why me? How did I get picked? Listen up, all you poor slobs going crazy with envy with your feet on the solid ground of Aotearoa, and I will tell all.

It’s no great conspiracy really, which I think is a bit of a shame. My name got picked in the draw. Then I had to do the interview with Malia – hell, that woman’s got eyes of steel if you know what I mean. Got through that, BUT then it’s the final chat with old Willem and he’s got titanium eyes with ice chips embedded. (Hmmm, there might be something wrong with that image.) I reckon I got picked because of my flawless character and my sterling qualities. Okay, I’ll admit it: I got picked because of all my holiday jobs working in kitchens.

There! Now you know the ugly truth about BoatBoy – I’m taking part in a dramatic dash against time and tide AS A KITCHEN HAND.

Such is life. But I have to tell you that it’s ULTRA being offshore! Absolutely utterly ULTRA. I snuck up on deck to watch the land vanish over the horizon. If I could go back in time I’d be a pilot – air variety. But hey, this is pretty damn good in the here and now.

Watch this space. I will post daily unless unforeseen events occur such as us sinking below the salty seas. (Just joking, Mum!)

Dolphin Daze

September 2

Steamin’ on down to Taris. Saw dolphins this morning. Beat that, WhoWhatWhy.

Feelin’ Lonely!

September 3

Hey out there in Out-There-Land! Anybody home? Yeah yeah, yesterday’s post – not up to much, but did you really want me to go on about how fantabulous the sunset was and how heartbreakingly gorgeous the dawn was? See! I know best after all. But no comments at all guys – now that’s a bit harsh.

Willem gave us a wee lecture tonight about being sensitive to the Taris peeps (Tarians/Tarisians??) He reckons they could take a while to adjust to strangers (subtext: walk carefully, folks, we could be rescuing a bunch of in-bred sociopaths).

DRAMA ON THE HIGH SEAS!

September 5

The weather packs up and Willem holds a conference: should we risk the rescue or should we head for home? Seas forecast to be storm force 4 which is apparently not good. Unanimous decision (yep, me too – sorry Mum) we keep going and effect rescue.

No chance now of setting my clomping feet on the soil of another land but we all line up along the rails and watch Willem, Malia and Fergus zap off in the buzz-boat to this weird dome thing. It’s huge-a-rama.

We wait, but not for long, then this stream of people starts climbing down the side of the dome. Handy footholds set into it, so quite easy. Gotta tell you, folks – they don’t look promising. They all wear the same dreary kind of dress thing and their hair is all the same length, and if they’ve got a hairdresser on that island I vote we leave the fecker behind.

We think we’ve got them all off except for the last few when all of a sudden about six of them (turns out they’re girls and for those of you interested they might be okay with a haircut and some decent clothes) chuck a net over the side and next thing we know the crew is hauling them out of the waves. Damn lucky they didn’t drown or get bashed to atoms by waves. I’m telling you – it’s rough out there right now.

But wait, there’s more! Willem was just giving the signal to leave when more of them turn up at the top of the dome. They’ve got a stretcher (although calling it a stretcher is a bit of a stretch, ha ha) and there’s a girl on it and she’s in the middle of giving birth would you believe? So that’s what all the hooha was about – they didn’t want to go without her. Gotta say I admire their spirit, but I totally would not like to be in their shoes once Willem gets hold of them.

This ship is thumping around in the ocean. Me, I rather like it. I think this is what being on a roller-coaster must have been like. AND I’m not sea sick. But looking at the Taris lot, I’m picking there won’t be much call for my kitchen skills for a day or two.

We are the Heroes!

September 5

Taris is a gone-burger and we are the heroes of the day! Had yr modest blogger and trusty companions not ridden (okay, sailed – you purists you!) to the rescue, 500 people would now be his-tor-reee.

Talk about getting there just in the knickers of time. Phew! Awesome timing, dudes!

Big News

September 6

Sorry, loyal readers, but I’ve been a bit busy. Not in the kitchen so much as in the bathrooms which you may not want to know about in minute and fascinating detail. Actually I was expecting a lot worse – seasickness, unsophisticated people, etc. etc. But what do you know – they’ve been sick all right, but I haven’t had to mop up even one disgusting emission. If somebody’s too sick to do it themselves then one of the others (there’s a few of them with iron constitutions like my good self) whips along and fixes it all before I can get to it.

All right – I can hear you yelling TELL US ABOUT THE BABY. He’s a boy. Healthy. But the biiiig news is that his mother is Vima!! That’s right – the one who sent the message that started off this whole rescue. The general feeling on board among the crew (although I can’t speak for Willem) is that they were right to save her. Even if the lot of us die because of it (sorry Mum!).

Yep, it’s still rough out here. We’re not out of trouble yet. Am I worried? Nah, but then I’m always one to look on the bright side.

Hair and There

September 7

Hey Mum, looks like we’re gunna make it! The sea has settled down. A pity really. I rather liked looking up at a wave whenever I went on deck. You had to be careful not to get washed overboard – exciting stuff. Any time you want a sea rescue done, I’m your man.

I’m busy in the kitchen these days – chopping stirring washing then helping serve the meals.

You’ll be pleased to know the girls are definitely all right. And not to be sexist, girls, I cast an eye over the guys as well. Yep, cut their hair and, guys, it’d be okay if your sister went out with one of them.

What a laugh! I’ve noticed Malia and Leng looking at our passengers and it’s a comedy show because their fingers keep making cutting motions and I don’t reckon they realise they’re doing it. But somebody out there – arrange for a hair stylist to meet us at the dock. Disembarkation allowed only after de-shaggy-ing. But I chatted to one of the girls (okay, no smart comments please) and she says that until about a year or so ago they had to have their heads shaved bald every week!! Now I’m wondering if they’ll be happy to get a decent haircut, but Wenda (that’s her name) says she’d like her hair to look like Leng’s (cut in layers and floaty round her face), so do not despair, o people of Aotearoa, there is hope on the fashion front.

Knees still shakin’

September 9

I’m still shaking. Man, that was too close for comfort. Never going to volunteer for being a soldier – way too scary.

All you toxic commentators – I hope you’re happy now. You’ve helped stir up hate against Taris and look what’s happened. If it hadn’t been sheer luck and an admin bungle that delayed us getting off the ship, we’d be having mass funerals today. These are good people. They’re smart too. Much smarter than you toxic tadpoles (sorry frogs).

When I think about little Wilfred being blasted out of existence before he’s even had a chance at life it makes me want to throttle somebody, so I’d best keep away from the jail which I hope is where those crims will rot forever.

Gotta hand it to Taris – no hysterics (just a bit of screaming while the boat bucked around, and some screeching from the crew too, but not of course your intrepid blogger). Then out they go, all calm to face the world that tried to blow them up before they set foot on it. Takes guts to do that, peeps. Believe me.

Landlubber again

September 10

The adventure is over. I’m back on dry land and have to tell you peeps, life’s a bit tame.

What did you think of the telly last night though? Chucking that hologram into the middle of the news – that’s low I reckon. Give it up, feckers! The people of Taris are here and I say they’re going to be good for old Aotearoa. Good people, smart people – what’s to worry about?

Bloggin’ On

September 12

Due to the clamour of my many readers (okay – one clamouring reader) I shall continue my blog which will now be occasional rather than daily, which I know some of you will rejoice to hear.

All quiet on the Taris front. Back to work for me. To be strictly accurate it’s not back to work, it’s starting my new job as a construction engineer. Don’t that sound important! But what I do is build models of factories and houses that people wanna build for real to make sure they’re going to do what the architects say they will. Earthquake stuff. Eco stuff. Sustainable stuff. Luckily I like doing the models but I’ll like it even more when I grow up enough for them to let me work on building sites.

Hey, peeps, if any of you end up with a Tarian working for you/with you or living next door to you, how about dropping me a comment? I kind of feel a proprietorial interest in them.

A plea for logical thought

September 13

Listen all you loyal followers – please please please use your brains. How could this disease have been brought from Taris when the people who are sick aren’t even in Wellington? According to all reports they hadn’t been near Wellington, any of them, for a couple of months. All of them happened to be going TO Wellington. So that they could pick up a handy disease?? Come ON. Use your brains and don’t listen to idiots like WWW who has obviously lost control of the quarter brain cell he shares with his cronies.

The waiting game

September 15

So here we sit, waiting for the call to go and help. I reckon one of the hardest things about these damn pandemics is the sitting about. Yeah yeah, I know getting sick and carking it is the worst, but leaving that aside, it’s the boredom. What’s to do except sit on the computer and read idiot stuff posted by dreks like WWW? Hey WWW (which probably actually stands for WHERESmyWANDERINGWIT), did you read Doc Fellowes’s article (see see FarleyWang's comment, Sept 13)? Just in case you couldn’t understand all the scientific words, what he says is THIS DISEASE HASN’T COME FROM TARIS.

So. I’ve volunteered to do nursing. (Sorry, Mum.) Last time I was too young to do anything and this time I want to be in amongst it. Be even better to help with the research but construction engineers don’t know too much about bugs.

But hey, didya hear that Vima has gone to help with the research? Of course she’s had to take wee Wilfred, so I’m hoping she doesn’t have to do anything too buggy.

Dark days

October 12

Very tired. Fifteen people have died in this hosp, 70 more ill, 29 seriously. It’s a bad one. Worse than the last 3 they say. Glad I know for certain it didn’t come from Taris. Hard to put up with all the ranting when I know it didn’t and couldn’t have.
Bed time. Should get 5 hrs. Bliss.

Comment availability shut down by moderator who is fed up with uninformed rants.

Check out these articles!

October 16

See the articles below re the pandemic. Phew is all I can say.

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National News Service, October 16

Wellington today.

Good news at last!

It looks like the end of this dread disease could be just ahead. According to the National Centre for Disease Control, the bacteria our scientists have been trying to find a treatment for turns out not to be a bacteria at all, but is a virus.

Spokesperson Dr Liatifa Sa’anga announced just minutes ago that the effort now is to be focused on finding a treatment and then a vaccine. She said there is now reason to believe the disease will be brought under control over the next few days.

In reply to a question about why it has taken so long for this crucial piece of basic scientific information to come to light, she said the pathogen has every appearance of a bacterium and it’s extremely fortunate that it took only this short time to discover it. She added that even when you know what to look for it isn’t easy to see the difference.

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Window On Wellington, Dr Roger Fellowes, October 16

The government has been proved right in bringing the Taris people to Aotearoa. Without their expertise, we’d still be facing the prospect of a pandemic that is poised to decimate the population.

It is thanks to Vima of Taris that we now have the key to stopping this disease.

Told you so (but not gloating!)

October 16

Vima of Taris cracks pandemic pathogen!!!

Says it all really. Lie down and grovel, WWW and all your lousy supporters. I notice you’re rather quiet today – busy disinfecting your brain (the .25 of a cell that you have), are you? Important pandemic work that.

Back to the night shift for me, but we all feel much more cheerful now. Go Taris!

Oh please! Get a brain!

October 18

Have just got off night shift. Trying to keep eyes open. Still say u an arse, WWW. Go back to facts. Where did disease start? Yes, that’s right – lots of places but NOT where the Taris people were. So do the world a favour and shut up.

Be careful people

October 18

Old WWW could lead you into baaaad trouble if you go reporting the crapola he’s been spouting, so take a look at this:

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Press Release: Police National Headquarters, October 18

The Minister for Police, Simone Connolly, emphasised today that any reports to police about the origin of the virus must be based on factual evidence. Police Commissioner Hank Xu said police are aware of the rumours regarding the group of Taris refugees but to date they have found no evidence to support any of the claims made against them.

The origin of the virus is top priority now that the pandemic itself is under control. All evidence given to police will be treated with the utmost confidentiality.

Get that, WWW? NO FREAKING EVIDENCE against Taris. Is that clear enough even for you, you moron?

No comment necessary

October 21

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National News Service, October 21

Taris Trial Sensation!

The country is reeling today after the sensational breach of quarantine trial of 14- year-old Juno of Taris. Juno admitted to breaking quarantine, but that was where the semblance to a standard trial ended. Prominent young lawyer Brighton Hainsworth interrupted proceedings with a further charge against Juno. (See our website for riveting footage of this part of the proceedings.)

Who would have predicted that a trial for breach of quarantine would turn into such a circus? Tears are to be expected on such an occasion and there were plenty of those. However, the arrest of the prosecuting lawyer for far more serious charges is unprecedented.

Juno of Taris challenged Brighton Hainsworth to take a lie-detector test. The courtroom was on the brink of a riot when she put her questions to him. They were certainly inflammatory.

This fine, upstanding citizen who is famous for his fights for justice was to be asked if he had knowingly infected people with the pandemic virus.

He was to be asked if he had knowingly posted web content he knew to be false about the Taris group.

The courtroom audience barely restrained themselves from lynching Juno of Taris, only held back perhaps by the unexpected reaction of Lawyer Hainsworth who plainly did not want to take the test.

He was out of the room for 39 minutes – far longer than the time needed for a two- question test. The atmosphere in the court became uneasy, an unease which increased markedly as police dragged the struggling Hainsworth back into court, his hands cuffed behind his back.

The results? Turns out our fine citizen travelled from Wellington to Auckland in the days immediately preceding the arrival of the Taris group, found a family he or one of his supporters had previously ascertained were about to visit Wellington, and knowingly infected them with the artificial virus. The child of the family was among the first fatalities of the pandemic.

It turns out too that Brighton Hainsworth is behind at least some of the postings that helped whip up hatred and distrust of the people of Taris.

As the judge reiterated as she dismissed both cases against Juno of Taris, the people of Taris have done no wrong. They are innocent. Somebody, for reasons as yet unknown, used them as scapegoats for a pandemic deliberately started by the person or persons unknown.

It is abundantly clear now that Brighton Hainsworth has not acted alone. The pandemic broke out in four separate locations, which indicates that at least three other people were involved.

The false reports and rumours posted on the web appear from an analysis of writing styles to be created by at least 9 different writers.

Most worrying of all, our enquiries suggest that Brighton Hainsworth does not have the expertise to develop an artificial virus. We are therefore left with the question of who did create the virus. Is this group affiliated with the bombers?

We and the people of Taris have been the victims of terrorism. The reasons behind the pandemic, the bombings and the anti-Taris campaign are unclear.

Will Brighton Hainsworth submit to further lie-detector testing? Will he divulge the identities of any of his fellow terrorists? We wait and hope, and in the meantime the country as a whole owes the people of Taris a most sincere apology.

Taris, we welcome you to this country. Our home is now your home.

Sorry! Can’t resist . . .

October 22

Not to gloat, but I TOLD YOU SO.

And check this out

October 22

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National News Service, October 22

We wish to make it clear in the light of commentary on our latest Taris story that we too unreservedly apologise for any suggestion in our reporting that the people of Taris were guilty of creating and spreading the pandemic virus.

Stop Press!

October 23

Found this on the net. Good news, don’t ya think?

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TrippyKid, October 23

Hey guess what? My nanna lives next door to this guy whose best friend is getting married. Now before you go into So What mode, this is Big News, peeps.

The friend of the guy who lives next door to my nanna is marrying a girl from – wait for it – Taris!!!

And wait, there’s more!!! He’s marrying that Vima girl – you know, the one who worked out the bacteria was a virus and that it was artifishal (damn – never can spell that).

Anyway, the friend of the guy etc reckons James (that’s the name of the bridegroom just in case you’re not following this too well) is a Seriously Decent Bloke. Lost his kid in the last pandemic, then there was some tragedy about his wife. Friend etc etc didn’t know what that was, just that she died.

So, do we wish them well? OF COURSE WE WISH THEM WELL.

Have a happy life, Vima, James and little Wilfred.

Bye from BoatBoy

October 24

One last post, loyal followers (some may detect a slight tinge of irony there, but since forgiveness and joy are in the air I’m sure you’ll get over it).

Great news! We kind of lost sight of the fact that Willem had been kidnapped and was seriously ill in hospital. But he’s out now and scooting around being very Willem again. I bet he was gutted at missing the entire trial drama. Probably wasn’t too gutted about escaping a brainwashing though.

Vima and James’s wedding! Big news too. Didn’t see that one coming. Good though. Glad to hear from TrippyKid via her nanna’s neighbour’s friend that James is a Decent Bloke. I like to think of Vima and Wilfred being with a Decent Bloke. She’s a cracker, that Vima.

This might be my last posting, or it might not be. Who can tell? It all depends on whether or not rumours run riot again. Or it might depend on whether you lot out there tell me interesting snippets about the Taris people. I hear they’re about to move away from the refugee centre to live all over the country, so some of you are going to end up getting to know them. Hey, it’s going to be weird for them. They’ve been together forever and now they’re all going in different directions. Look out for them, will ya? And give me an update every so often.

See ya

BoatBoy signing off for the moment anyway.